Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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