Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
