Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
