So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize