did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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