You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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