You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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