Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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