its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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