Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
