Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
