I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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