Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
