apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
