I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize