Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
