It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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