At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize