i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
