I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
