I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
