We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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