i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
