She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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