And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize