Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
