Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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