He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
