Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
