My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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