I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
