stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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