you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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