Welp...herpes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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