I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
