Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
