May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
