Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
