did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
