giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have aggressive nipples.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
