literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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