Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
