Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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