May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
