I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
