Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
