I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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