i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
