I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
