Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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