Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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