i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
