I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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