I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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