You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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