They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
