Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
