if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
