zippers are such a cool invention
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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