God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
