I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
