the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
