I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
