she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
