Michael Bay diarrhea
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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