never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
